It’s been a few days since I have blogged and thought it about time to write another. I’ve had a tough time coming up with a topic though. It seems my mind is cluttered with images of the recent past. A seemingly unbreakable barrier is blocking the flow in my brain. I’m riddled with questions which have no answer. My brain is a ticking time bomb and it’s payload is increasing ever so rapidly with each question left unanswered.
To start, a notable saying, “If at first you don’t succeed… try, try again.” How can a person argue with this statement? It seems impossible to even begin a rebuttal. Yet, here I am, plagued by it’s inconceivable inaccuracies. Should a person really try again every time they fail? And if they should, when does it end? How many attempts at the same thing must a person try before they render it an unequivocal failure.
Now that I have your attention and before you get too lost, I’m going to throw out the topic now. I’m still in love with my ex-fiancée. Close the page now if you wish. It won’t bother me one bit. I’m not writing this for that type of person anyway. You know what they say… “Don’t let the door hit you…” And while this may be more of a personal blog, you may miss out on information or answers that you were looking for. It may help you, it may not. It’s not going to hurt you though, that I’m sure of.
So why am I still in love with her? I could go on about that for days. So I’m not going to even begin to explain. Not only that, there will always be someone who would say that the relationship is based on lust not love no matter what answer I was to give them. It’s easy for them to say, they weren’t in the relationship. And they would say it no matter what as long as it were a relationship involving sex. Because there is no possible way that a relationship can be love if there is sex involved. Saying so does not make it true nor does it make anything better so just shut up with all of that nonsense.
Ok I got just a bit distracted there… sorry. I’ll get back to it.
Why am I still in love with her? She’s cheated on me several times. We’ve tried and tried again. Not once or twice, but several times. I’ve personally been accused of lying, manipulating and even cheating on her. Honestly, I’ve done none of those things. Had I thought about it? It’s possible. Would I ever act upon it? Not a chance. I’ve been there. I know how it feels. It absolutely sucks and I would never wish that on ANYONE, and I especially wouldn’t inflict it on anyway. Believe me or don’t. I don’t care. I know the truth. I’m not here to convince you of my integrity. But ask yourself this, why would I lie to you? I don’t know you.
No, she’s not a bad person so don’t judge her. They say “There are 3 sides to every story; your story, my story, and the right story.” It’s just human nature for both parties involved to sugar coat things or leave certain things out so that they may uphold a good standing reputation. We’re all guilty of this. You can lie and say that you’re not one of these people, just remember, you’re really just lying to yourself. We don’t do this to intentionally hurt the other person, but sometimes that’s how it ends up. Ok maybe some of you do, like an ex of mine before the one I’m discussing here. We won’t get into that.
I’m trying to keep this short, but it’s a complicated subject. Please just bare with me. Still there? Ok, good!
We’ve been apart for 3 months now. I know that that’s not long enough to truly be over someone, but for the life of me, I cannot stop thinking about her. It seems like she is in every single thought that I have every single day. I ask myself everyday why I’m so in love with her but I can’t seem to answer it. Logic dictates that if you love someone, you should be able to tell someone why. But in my opinion, love is way beyond all logic and reason. Yes, be reasonable to an extent, but don’t let reason stand in the way of greater things.
My family hates her and refuses to accept her for things that she has done. This is the worst part about the whole thing. I tell myself that a family should be accepting of most anything that a person chooses or wishes in their life. It’s impossible though, to persuade my family to accept my wishes. And this caused one of the biggest problems in my relationship. I was stuck in the middle. Trapped, with nothing but a tiny infinitesimal spec of light portraying what little hope I had. I was going to lose one no matter what I did. Who in the world should be forced to lose someone they love under circumstances created solely by the ones that they love. You might as well just throw me straight to the demons that inhabit hell.
As an example I’ll say this. Imagine you’re a single parent of two children and someone forced you with the decision of which child you would lose. Impossible. But I was basically asked to give up on my true love for my family, or give up on my family for my true love. Life without either leaves no reason to live it. You’re basically putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. Even that would pale in comparison to the misery a person suffers when they’re forced to lose either.
But I digress. I sit here and wait everyday hoping to hear from her. Once in awhile she does. Not often, but when she does she seems to make it a point to ensure that she really is in love with me. She claims that she tells her daughter that if she had a choice of anyone, it would be me. I believe her. I don’t know why I do. But I can’t help but wonder why, if this were the case, is she not with me then. I’ve told her over and over again that I would still marry her. She seems to bring up the fact that we barely talk. That’s why she won’t marry me. Truth be known, I don’t talk to her much anymore because when I do try, she always ignores me or has some convenient reason to not talk. She’s “busy”. So instead of enduring frustration every time I send her a text that gets ignored, I wait for her to contact me because that way I know she’s ready to talk.
Maybe I should attempt to talk to her more. It doesn’t seem right though as she knows how much it frustrates me to be ignored. Yet she does it every single time. I’m guessing now that you all have formed your own opinion on this relationship. That is just barely scratching the surface though.
Anyway, I wrote all this to get your perspective on things. It always helps to have an outside, unbiased opinion. And as you well know by now, I am already aware of how my family would respond. Comment please!
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